I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
