Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
