I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
