After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I have feelings that need drinking.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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