I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
All I want is dick and wine.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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