My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I still have a little drunk in my system
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
