i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
