I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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