Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She's the barista slut.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
