At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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