I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Randomize
