last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
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i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
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you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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