Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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