is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
