I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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