and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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