i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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