I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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