So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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