There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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