so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
