Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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