haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
