My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
