I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
