Just fell off a train. Bad.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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