you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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