i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
