Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
