I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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