The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
