Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Every concussion has its silver lining
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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