Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
