Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
