oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My balls are so social today.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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