In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
