I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
