Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
