I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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