at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
