I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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