why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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