Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
The power of my boobs compel you
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
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