i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
