so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
