fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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