Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
