Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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