i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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