He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
