The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Is it penis luge time yet?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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