Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
In America we eat man semen.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
