my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
