I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
