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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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