hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
