She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
We were destined to go to rehab together
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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